I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
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