i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
