I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
