my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
