I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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