I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life