I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
