Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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