I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
