I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize