Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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