Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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