I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
