Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
