You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
