Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
