So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
