I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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