the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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