someone threw a dead crab at me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
