Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
