how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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