when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Randomize
