A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
