sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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