Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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