i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
