didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
