good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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