Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
