You just made me feel so damn special
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
