I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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