just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You made out with two different species that night
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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