My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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