You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
