I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
