I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
