the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
