Just fell off a train. Bad.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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