How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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