There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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