Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
COCAINE IS GR8
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
