Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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