He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
