Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
