How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
