I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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