well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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