I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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