You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
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i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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