I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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