Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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