Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
