I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
