wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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