she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
