I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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