She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
