i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
