found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
