Where are you?
In a non slutty way
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
